The Love of My Children & Myself

Over the past few weeks I have experienced an all time low, and I've been extremely depressed. My daughter, her husband, and their two children, who we have shared a home with for the past year and a half, moved to California. My granddaughter is two and a half, and my grandson turned a year old on May 11, 2012. I have lived with these two their entire lives, and I was in California with my daughter when her daughter was born. Their son was born out here and I was there then too. My grandson and I share such a close bond, I feel as if my daughter took my own child from me. And I know my grandson knew something was not right, since just before they drove away, I held him, bawling my eyes out, and he didn't squirm or move, he just laid his head on my shoulder and waited. I love that boy so much, and these weeks without him have been killing me. I cry at the thought of him, and his picture is my screensaver, so I see his cute little face every time I boot my pc or shut it down.

I don't know how to not miss him and his sister, or my daughter and her husband, who is like a son to me as well. Shortly after they moved, my youngest son also moved to California, although a different part, where his wife has been living. A week or so before that, my youngest daughter and her family moved to Texas. So I am all out of grandchildren who live nearby. And now my son, who lives in Missouri, and his family, are moving to yet another part of California. 


I have not felt like doing much lately, and really haven't done much at all. My husband also works out of state, so I have literally been home alone for several weeks. Thank goodness for my doggies, who I know will never leave me. They have been my only comfort.


This past week though, I have been watching my usual shows on TBN and the Church Channel, and one of the shows I never miss is Andrew Wommack. He has been teaching on self-centerdness (Is that a word? Oh, well), and while I have always considered myself as not being self-centered, since I've been a mother since age sixteen, and I've always had a houseful of kids to take care of, and then grandkids, and dogs, and I became a pastor and evangelist, and a drug and alcohol counselor, there have always been others to think of before myself. But as I listened to this teaching each day, I came to realize that even I am guilty of being self-centered. 


There are several other verses on this subject, but the following two are my favorites.  


"Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.  For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." Matthew 16:24-25


"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20


Yet, if I believe these, and I do, then why am I suddenly doubting my sacrifice of self for the heavenly cause? Is it simply a guilty conscience due to a preacher's impassioned words, or conviction of the Holy Spirit? I had to think on these things and consider the past several weeks since my daughter and her family moved away. Of course we expect our children to grow up and move out on their own. And with my older daughter, that has happened, but she usually came home time and again after her bits of time away from home. Even after she moved away to California to be with the man she is now married to, they did move in with us when their daughter was about six or eight months old, and have been here every since. My youngest daughter never moved out for more than a few weeks at a time. Even after she married, she lived at home, while her husband lived with his mother, for about the first six months of their marriage.


Even though we expect our children to move out on their own at some point, whether to go to college, or due to marriage, or perhaps they go to work straight out of high school, as parents, we know they will move out. We also wait for those weekend visits home, and we wait for the announcements of impending parenthood from them, and then we wait for them to bring those little bundles of joy home to visit Nana and Papa, Grams and Gramps, Nanny and Poppy, Grandma and Grandpa, Granny and Grampy, or whatever term we decide our grandchildren will call us. With all of my other grandchildren, I've been pretty much the normal Nana. I send birthday and Christmas presents, wait for school pictures, feel proud when I get news of honor roll and winning sports teams, and show up for high school graduations, weddings, and other events I wouldn't miss for anything. I try not to be too invasive in my children's lives, and I try not to be too nosey in the way they raise their children, and I really try not to be critical, although I've been informed a time or two that I've stuck my nose in where it didn't belong and wasn't welcomed. Hey, I'm normal, give me a break, it wasn't as if I intended to hurt anyone's feelings or make anyone feel as if I was criticizing their parenting techniques. In all honesty, I really was trying to help. I've been there and done that and was only trying to save my child the heartache and heart break I know will come from raising their own children. 


Perhaps it is better my children are all in another state, where my presence doesn't upset or offend anyone. I can visit once or twice a year and continue with the presents and money, and otherwise stay out of their lives where I'm unwanted. Yes, it hurts my feelings. Yes, I feel as if I've been ganged up on since they all left at once. And not mentioning the fact that my youngest has moved back to town, but is apparently not speaking to me because I found out by accident that she is here, I will continue to move forward.


I try not to be self-centered. I try not to think that if I'm not involved in their lives something horrible will happen, and I am the only one who can prevent these things, or the only one who knows how to handle them. I raised kids on my own, and when you do that, you become over-involved, and you become dominant, and you think you should run everyone's lives. After all, when you've done it for so long, and they all turned out rather well, you must know what you're doing, right? Well, apparently not according to them.


So to my children, I apologize. I also promise to stay out of your lives, and I promise to quit butting in, and telling you how you should be doing things, or how I would do them differently. I have raised you to be the men and women you are, and I am proud of each one of you. Because of that I have to trust that you did listen to me at least a little bit while you were growing up and know how to raise your own kids and lead your own lives. I am also going to try and figure out how to live my life without you, which I haven't done since I was sixteen, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I have a pretty good husband who gets me through these moments when I feel like my only purpose in life was to be your mother and Nana to your children.


I know God has another plan for my life and if I will just quit crying over losing all of you, I will probably be able to hear what that is. So yes, I have discovered that feeling this loss is a form of self-centeredness. It is something I have to come to terms with, learn how to deal with, and move past. It is another stage of my life that I have to move past, because until I do, I won't be able to move into the new stage of my life that God has planned for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I'm looking forward to those plans and the future God has in store for me. I love you all very much, but my love for God comes first, before 
you, before me, before everything. And I'm looking forward to it.

It's Your Choice

No matter what today's counselors might tell you, once you are of legal age, everything you do in your life is your choice. You have to choose the direction of your life and how to live it, or spend your life letting circumstance bounce you around like a rubber ball on a school playground. No matter how rough life was for you, or that you didn't have the greatest parents, or that you were raised in the poor area of town, you can either let your circumstances build you up or break you down. No matter where you are now, there are choices to be made that determine your present circumstances, as well as all of your tomorrows.

Everyone has had problems, and certainly, no one has had a perfect life. Even so, some are better than others but that is still no guarantee of a successful life. We read about the rich and famous and their problems every day. From drug abuse, to failed marriages, to committing crimes, no one is immune from bad choices. My life wasn't so great. I was molested by two uncles from age three to about age eleven. And yes, those events did mess up my mind and caused me to make bad choices as a teen, and even as a young adult. But no matter what happened to me or to you, everyone is responsible for the choices they make and the paths they follow. So how do we put the past to rest and move beyond our circumstances?

I would like to tell you how simple it is, but it's not simple. Like anything else in our lives, it takes work and diligence, and it takes practice every single day. You have to want to live right, you have to practice living right, and you need a good example of living right. The best example is the Bible, and then those who live by the Word of God daily. If you aren't a Christian, that's okay, it's not difficult to become one.  Ask God to forgive you, thank Him for that forgiveness, and praise Him for what He has done and will continue doing in your life.

Jesus died on the cross for your sins because God loved you so much, He sacrificed His only begotten Son as the final blood offering because "God so loved the world, He gave His only begotten Son, so that whosoever believes in Him shall be saved." Once you know the salvation of God, you will feel the love of God fill your heart to overflowing, and you will feel a peace that passes all understanding. You are now a child of God, an adopted child who has the same inheritance as Jesus. Heaven now belongs to you and when you stand before God after your earthly death, He won't remember the sins you committed before your salvation, but only the love you've shown others, and the ones you've told about Jesus, since your salvation. What a wonderful blessing!

This is not to say your life on earth suddenly comes without any problems. You still have the problems you had before salvation, but now you have an answer for them. Now you can call on the Lord for answers to solve your problems. Serving the Lord will bring about blessings overflowing, to show you how to live, how to cope with problems when they do crop up, and how to resist those old habits that used to haunt you. I used to smoke cigarettes and I prayed and prayed to lose the craving and for God to take the habit from me. The Lord did, and I was smoke free that same day. I put my brand new lighter in the half a pack of cigarettes I had left, stuck them in a drawer, and didn't smoke any more. Then, a few months later, something happened and I felt so stressed over it, that I lit a cigarette. I looked at the burning evil in my hand, and said, "Lord, I asked you to take this from me." The Lord replied, "I did. You're the one who picked it up again."

He was right. I didn't have the habit, nor did I have a craving. I just picked up a cigarette because that's what I used to do when I became stressed out. We have a lot of old habits we have to get rid of. Everything from cigarettes to alcohol, from drugs to sex, and everything in between are habits we have to rid ourselves of, and with God's help through the Holy Spirit, we can be victorious over our habits. As long as we depend on the Lord for our strength (Psalm 28:7), in Him we live and breathe (Acts 17:28), He will guide us into all righteousness (John 16:13).

Jesus is our answer to everything. And no matter what we have done, or how many times we have sinned, He will forgive us. His shed blood covers our sins and  washes us white as snow. Through Him we are truly made brand new as if we had never sinned, just like when we were babies, completely blameless. No matter what you have gone through in your life, or how you were raised, and no matter what is going on in your life right now, Jesus is standing by, waiting for you to make the decision to follow Him. No man knows the number of his days, but if yours ends without the decision for Christ, you will go to hell. The devil is real and so is hell. Don't let the devil trick you like he did Eve in the garden. The devil is a liar (John 8:44), so don't believe him when you start thinking you don't deserve salvation. On the other hand, don't blame the devil when you start doing stuff you know you shouldn't. You know right from wrong, you have a brain in your head, so don't blame the devil when you know it's a choice you made all on your own.

"So repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the Name of Jesus, for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." Acts 2:38

I Used To Be Awesome...

Ever have one of those days where everything is out of whack? Like nothing makes sense anymore and you're not even sure if you're awake because everything is so surreal it could just be a bad dream? That's been my week. Since my daughter and her family moved back to California, my son, Michael has indeed confirmed that he is moving to California, and my youngest son, Cody is meeting with the recruiter about going to Camp Leatherneck, Afghanistan but if that doesn't work out for him, he's moving to California where his wife has been living for over a year. My husband went back to Texas to work, only to be told to come back home because the company's move from Louisiana to Texas isn't a sure thing yet, and may not happen after all.

On top of that, my sixteen-year-old granddaughter has been very ill over the past ten days or so, and my daughter has been taking her from doctor to doctor trying to find out what's wrong with her. Yesterday, Sarah had to call an ambulance to take my granddaughter back to the hospital but this time, they took her into surgery for her gall bladder. Apparently, because she is so young, no other doctor thought to  check her gall bladder. Today, she is feeling much better, even smiling for a picture. I know how worried my daughter was and being all the way out here, there was nothing I could do to help. But all's well, at least with granddaughter and she should be back on her feet in time for prom and her seventeenth birthday.

Sometimes I feel like there's a hurricane and I'm the eye--you know, the calm, quiet place in the center while everything around me is spinning out of control. Not that anyone would ever call me the calm, quiet type but sometimes I feel like everything just spins around me, and I have no control or say-so in any of it. Sometimes, being just the Nana is a terrible place to be. I guess I just haven't grown into the idea of being old, or at least the idea of being old the way my kids and grandkids see me. I see the way they roll their eyes when I say something they don't like, or something they think is old fashioned, opinionated, or just unwanted advice or ideas.

I don't quite know when this happened. I know my kids were like all kids, and couldn't wait to get out of the house and on their own. And I've seen my grandkids grow up, and the difference when they were small and I was awesome, but the older they get, the less awesome they think I am. At some point I have become my grandmother. She was the woman I loved and enjoyed seeing from time to time, but she had weird ideas, her house smelled funny, and she gave me birthday presents I would never use!

Perhaps it's just another of those crazy milestones that we all face if we live long enough. It's funny though, I still think of myself as being really cool, awesome, wise, and I can't quite figure out why my kids and grandkids don't want the benefit of all my years of living that equals all this wisdom.

Changes In My Future

As the saying goes, the one thing we can be certain of is change. It's probably one of the things I hate the most. Change is uncomfortable and it requires work on my part. Not just physical change, but the mentality that goes with the change. I have had quite  a few changes going on lately, just dropped into my lap like a bomb without notice, and I've had to adjust and accept. That isn't easy for me because I like things the way they are.

My daughter announced she and her husband were moving to California. This information was dropped on me without preamble yesterday. I woke up this morning to find them packing up their clothes and the kids getting ready to leave. "I thought you were leaving Thursday?" I said as I headed to the kitchen for coffee. "We were but Mike has to be there by eight Friday morning for a drug test." That was it, an hour later, amongst all the tears, and my 2-year-old granddaughter insisting her one-year-old brother was staying here, they were one their way to California. My day hasn't been very productive since their departure. After that, I sign in to my Face Book account to see my son, Michael, who lives in Missouri, has announced he and his family are leaving for California the end of the month. I suppose calling to let mama know would have been too much trouble. Later, my youngest son calls and says he may also be moving to California because he needs a better job and he's fed up with the one he has here.

So, these three kids of mine will all be in California, and all in different parts of California. It might seem like mom should move to California too but that would happen only over my husband's dead and rotting corpse. Having been born and raised in California, I left there for a reason and except for visits, haven't been back in nearly twenty years.

I do wonder about the timing of these moves and the connection they may have to God answering my prayers. I often tell people that you cannot remain where you are and go with God at the same time. God requires us to get up and move, to really reach out to others and to be a living, breathing, part of His plan. I have been praying about this very thing, about getting up and doing what God wants me to do. Perhaps with my children and grandchildren out of my house, I will now feel better about doing whatever it is God wants me to do. I realize I have created many excuses for staying home because Lisa was here, the babies were here, and they gave me the excuse to remain where I am.

So, whatever God has planned for my future, I am still praying but apparently have been freed up in order to move when God says, "Move!"

It Gets A Little Dusty....

Yesterday a strange thing occurred. I saw a post on Face Book about a promotions company and I contacted them. I'm always looking for new ways to promo my books and those that I publish. I looked over their site but couldn't find any pricing, so I contacted them and they sent an email saying I had to go to their form, fill it out, submit it and then they'd tell me which of their plans, including cost, would fit my book the best. I found this to be a sour taste in my mouth. Why? Because I have been in this business for many years, have dealt with numerous publicity companies and never have I seen one that wasn't up front with their pricing.

I sent the gal an email and told her I found this not to be to my liking and just wanted the pricing so I could see if her company was one I wanted to deal with. After all, if I couldn't afford her, why take up anymore of her time or mine? She was not friendly about my email, and I told her I understood that if she was dealing with new authors, that perhaps they didn't know what they needed to do but for someone like me, who is a professional author with more than 20 books out, I just wanted the pricing.

Instead of an email reply, she wrote a blog about it! Yes, she went on a tirade of about how it "happened again" that some author who was basically full of themselves.... I'm not going to quote her here, except for the "happened again" and if it "happened AGAIN" perhaps that should be a clue to her that the way she is doing business, especially since claiming she is a Christian, isn't working.

I don't go into Walmart, fill my basket with unpriced items, take them to the check-out and then find out how much things cost. No one would do that. And I don't know of any other promotions company who hides their pricing from those who wish to use their services.

Anyway, I did reply to her Face Book post that she put up inviting others to read her blog and told her she wrote a nice article but she did fail to mention that any time you point a finger at someone, three are pointing back, and perhaps the thing we dislike in others is that which we dislike in ourselves.

The funny thing is that earlier in the day someone else had posted about the back-stabbing that goes on with some authors. I replied that since I had gotten out of the smut writing business, I hadn't had that problem. I guess it was God's way of showing me that no matter where we are, we have to watch others, even those who claim to be Christian. The Bible says to test those against the word. If someone claims to be one thing but acts another way, especially Christians, then we need to walk away from them. Shake the dust from our sandals, as it were.


Luke 10:11 'Even the dust of your town that sticks to our feet we wipe off against you. Yet be sure of this: The kingdom of God is near.'

Communicating With God

I am a born again Christian although I don't claim a "religion." In my opinion, religion is something people do to get noticed by others, or to control others. I believe in the Bible and that it is the divine word of God, given to man for living the way we should. I believe that God is who He says He is, that Christ died on the cross for my sins, and was raised on the third day, and now sits on the right hand of God in Heaven. I believe Christ will return and all of those who have accepted Him as their Savior will rule and reign with Him in the new Jerusalem. I believe the Bible says what it means and means what it says, and that it is a light to those who have accepted Christ as their Savior and darkness to those who haven't. I believe only a fool says there is no God and those who die without accepting Christ as their Savior will go to Hell.

I believe no person needs to go through a priest or any other human being to have direct contact with Jesus. I also believe that praying to "saints" or to the "virgin Mary" is no different than praying to a brick wall. Mary was the virgin who conceived through the Holy Spirit and gave birth to our Savior Jesus Christ, but afterward she was a wife like any other wife and went on to have relations with Joseph and gave birth to other children. All of this is in the Bible but you have to read it in order to know it.

In the Name of Jesus we all have access to God, to life everlasting, and I hope those who think the Bible is "confusing and too difficult to understand" (as a proclaimed female ordained minister stated), will accept Jesus as their Savior and allow the Lord to make His Word a light unto their path.

It's very simple and if you are sincere and repent of your sins, ask Jesus to cleanse your sins and live within you as your Savior, He will.

Lord Jesus, I know I am a sinner and I have not lived my life for You. I ask Your forgiveness and I ask You to cleanse my sins and show me how to live for You. In Jesus' Holy Name, Amen.

Yes, it is that easy. And I hope, if you've prayed this prayer, you will let me know. I would love to continue to hold you up in prayer each day while you are learning to walk in His footsteps. I also have a gift for you if you have said this prayer and send me an email at dancingwithbear at gmail dot com.

God bless you,
Marie

Trading The Truth For A Lie

     I started working on my new book today. It's the second book in the Comfort & Joy series, and this one is on marriage. I began my day by watching a few of my favorite programs, Joyce Meyers, Rod Parsley, Rick Joyner, and others. I had prayer time, and then answered emails. I always spend a bit of time on Face Book but somehow, that always takes up way more time than I intend for it to. I think it's one of the ways the enemy sways my good intentions away from what I plan to do and keeps my mind on activities that are really pointless. Seriously, is it really going to make a difference in anyone's life if I don't spend an hour "liking" everyone's posts?
     When did we all become so important that we have to be in constant contact with friends that we don't actually know except on line? We have iPhones, iPads, cell phones, pc's, e-mail, Face Book, Twitter, Linked In, blogs, My Space, Pinterest, and so many other apps and sites, I can't even count them all. And it's not just that we think we have to be in constant contact with others, it's that we have to make sure that our every thought and action has to be posted for the world to know. We are self-important and keep ourselves continually electronically connected to a world that doesn't even exist outside of our own electronically conceived one.
     We have traded the truth for a lie. The facts are, we are not that important. We do not have anything of so much value to say that if we aren't connected continually, we'll simply implode. We let real relationships go because we are on line with our friends, whether real or imaginary, and never have to leave our own homes.
     I remember a time when we didn't even have a phone in our house. I remember when we lived next door to our family, my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grand-parents. I remember that time when the world was big and I was small, and now it's the other way around. There is no more mystery in the world, no more awe or wonder. There is no more whimsy, and I miss it. Everything I do, from friendships to work to play to church is all available on line. Of course, there are numerous advantages to this electronic world we live in but not enough that I am willing to give up the things that make me happy.
     Living in a house with my daughter and her family makes me happy. I have a 2-year-old granddaughter and 11-month-old grandson here all the time. Sure, it can get a little frantic from time to time, but I have a door that shuts and a room that contains my electronic friends. Even those who I've met in person because of the world wide web.
     God bless you, my friends.