You Were Not Born That Way

In 1996, my late husband, Bear, and I were ordained after a year of 

being licensed, which was preceded by long, hard hours of studying and 

testing. During our year of licensing, we had to show our worth to be 

ordained. We traveled cross country preaching to bikers, hookers, drug 

dealers, in store-front churches, and anywhere else the Lord led. We 

pastored two churches, had Bible study at our home, worked with drug 

addicts, and held Christian 12-Step programs, as well as facilitating

Christian-based marriage classes. 


Although our lives suffered a setback that I am still trying to deal with 

and recover from, I know who holds my life in His hands, and He alone 

is the maker of Heaven and Earth. He alone decides how we are to live

and act. It is in Him that we have our being. He alone made Adam 

from the dust of the Earth, and blew His own breath into Adam's 

nostrils and gave him life. It is He who gives His Holy Spirit to us, to act

and work through us. It is the God of the Universe who sent His own

Son to suffer and die on the Cross, to shed His blood so that we might

know Him intimately and personally, and have Salvation rather than 

die, spending eternity in Hell, separated from God.


God loves us all. He proved that when Jesus died on the Cross. Love is

a verb, it's action, which is unlike this world that seems to think

love is a noun, a thing you say. But people don't know you love them

just because you say they do, they know it because of the things you 

do for them. I know my husband loves me because he works every day

to pay the bills and make sure I have all that I need and want. He

opens car doors for me, he opens all doors for me, and his greatest 

pleasure is when he can take me to a certain place I love to go for 

breves and scones. He works out of state three weeks and then he 

drives six hundred miles to be home for one week. He drives a truck for 

the oil rigs all over south Texas and Louisiana, so when he gets home, 

you would think he wouldn't want to do much of anything. Instead, he 

takes me to this place I love, and it's a two hundred mile round trip. 

Yes, he drives me two hundred miles so I can have a scone. That is the 

kind of love I'm talking about.


But as much as my husband loves me, he still can't save me from going 

to Hell anymore than i can save him from Hell. Only the blood of Jesus 

can do that, by confessing our sins to Him in prayer, and asking Him to 

be our Savior with sincerity. And then reading the Bible and obeying 

God so that we don't fall back into the sins of our past. It's so easy for 

the devil to tempt us with our past, to tell us that it's nonsense, and 

Jesus was just a man who can do nothing for us now. When our lives 

have setbacks, like losing a job, fighting with our spouse, being short 

on money no matter how much we work, the devil will use that to pull 

us back into our old mind set, our past, and the old sins we practiced 

for so many years.


The reason I say this is to set up what I'm about to say so you will be 

able to understand my mind set and how it may differ from yours. Not 

too long ago, Chick-Fil-A came under fire for their beliefs as Christians. 

They were going to set up a store in Boston, without mentioning their 

personal beliefs, but the mayor of Boston asked the owner how he felt 

about gays. As a Christian, he answered honestly. He believes it's a sin. 

And the ensuing battle began. 


There were so many nasty posts on FaceBook, Twitter, and many other

sites telling the man he was a "hater" and if he really was a Christian,

wasn't he supposed to love everyone, and didn't the Bible say not to

judge. All he actually had done was answer a question honestly. It was

the mayor of Beantown that caused the problem, and I didn't see 

anyone asking the mayor what difference the man's personal beliefs 

made, he just wanted to grow his business. I think it's the mayor who

was the hater, and instigator, and someone who needs to learn to love

his fellow man.


As Christians, we are commanded to love our fellow man, just as we

are commanded to call sin what it is, and point it out so that the 

person in sin can ask God's forgiveness so that person doesn't go to Hell. 

It is not being judgmental, or hatred, it's pure love for that person.

I hate to think of anyone going to Hell. None of us can fully understand

what Heaven will be like until we get there, nor can we fully under-

stand what Hell will be like but the Bible gives us a good idea of 

both.


Hell is firstly, a separation from God. Secondly, it will be a very lonely,

lonesome place full of horror and torment. It will be a burning lake of

fire and brimstone that lasts for eternity. There will be no second 

chance, no way out and no end. As bad as that sounds, when someone

dies without knowing the Lord Jesus, they don't go straight to Hell.

First, they go to stand before the throne of God. They actually get to

see Heaven and the glory of God before they go to Hell and are sepa-

rated from God.


I wouldn't wish that fate upon anyone. I pray every night for my

children, my grandchildren, my children's spouses, and their families

and mine that are known by blood, marriage, or divorce, and for the

friends they know now, and the ones they are going to meet. I want to

make sure I can cover as many people as possible in the prayer for

Salvation. And then I pray that someone who knows the Lord, or a lot

of someones, will come into contact with each of them and preach

Salvation to them so they will all come to know Jesus as their Savior. I

pray for the people I know and ones i haven't seen since I was a child,

or people I see in Walmart that stick in my mind. I don't want anyone

to go to Hell.



The first chapter in the book of Romans is dedicated to homosexuality

and other perverse behavior,and when the Chick-Fil-A debate was

going on, I often commented on people were saying against the fast 

food place. I have a few friends who are gay and they know my stand- 

ing on the subject. But, like all other sin, God will wipe your slate

clean and give you a brand new life, if only you ask Him.



In 1996, the church I attended in CA invited a man named Dennis

Jernigan to speak, and I was amazed at this man's testimony. He plays

piano and sings, and does both so well, there is no doubt he is blessed

by God. The amazing thing is he was a gay man, who had been

delivered by God. 

Being gay is a sin but like all sin, God can deliver all of us from those 

sins. It's only the lies of Satan that make us believe being gay is okay

with God, or "just the way they were born." 

Mr. Jernigan has been married to his wife for 30 yrs next year. I 

remember when he spoke at my church, he said the Lord told him he

was going to be the father of 9 children. He and his wife had 7, when 

his wife found out she was pregnant again. She told him she didn't care 

what God said, she was done having kids and that was going to be her 

last pregnancy. And it was because she had twins! God is always 

faithful.

If you would like to know more about this fellow Okie, go to the 

following link:


http://www.dennisjernigan.com/djtestimony

The Love of My Children & Myself

Over the past few weeks I have experienced an all time low, and I've been extremely depressed. My daughter, her husband, and their two children, who we have shared a home with for the past year and a half, moved to California. My granddaughter is two and a half, and my grandson turned a year old on May 11, 2012. I have lived with these two their entire lives, and I was in California with my daughter when her daughter was born. Their son was born out here and I was there then too. My grandson and I share such a close bond, I feel as if my daughter took my own child from me. And I know my grandson knew something was not right, since just before they drove away, I held him, bawling my eyes out, and he didn't squirm or move, he just laid his head on my shoulder and waited. I love that boy so much, and these weeks without him have been killing me. I cry at the thought of him, and his picture is my screensaver, so I see his cute little face every time I boot my pc or shut it down.

I don't know how to not miss him and his sister, or my daughter and her husband, who is like a son to me as well. Shortly after they moved, my youngest son also moved to California, although a different part, where his wife has been living. A week or so before that, my youngest daughter and her family moved to Texas. So I am all out of grandchildren who live nearby. And now my son, who lives in Missouri, and his family, are moving to yet another part of California. 


I have not felt like doing much lately, and really haven't done much at all. My husband also works out of state, so I have literally been home alone for several weeks. Thank goodness for my doggies, who I know will never leave me. They have been my only comfort.


This past week though, I have been watching my usual shows on TBN and the Church Channel, and one of the shows I never miss is Andrew Wommack. He has been teaching on self-centerdness (Is that a word? Oh, well), and while I have always considered myself as not being self-centered, since I've been a mother since age sixteen, and I've always had a houseful of kids to take care of, and then grandkids, and dogs, and I became a pastor and evangelist, and a drug and alcohol counselor, there have always been others to think of before myself. But as I listened to this teaching each day, I came to realize that even I am guilty of being self-centered. 


There are several other verses on this subject, but the following two are my favorites.  


"Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.  For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." Matthew 16:24-25


"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20


Yet, if I believe these, and I do, then why am I suddenly doubting my sacrifice of self for the heavenly cause? Is it simply a guilty conscience due to a preacher's impassioned words, or conviction of the Holy Spirit? I had to think on these things and consider the past several weeks since my daughter and her family moved away. Of course we expect our children to grow up and move out on their own. And with my older daughter, that has happened, but she usually came home time and again after her bits of time away from home. Even after she moved away to California to be with the man she is now married to, they did move in with us when their daughter was about six or eight months old, and have been here every since. My youngest daughter never moved out for more than a few weeks at a time. Even after she married, she lived at home, while her husband lived with his mother, for about the first six months of their marriage.


Even though we expect our children to move out on their own at some point, whether to go to college, or due to marriage, or perhaps they go to work straight out of high school, as parents, we know they will move out. We also wait for those weekend visits home, and we wait for the announcements of impending parenthood from them, and then we wait for them to bring those little bundles of joy home to visit Nana and Papa, Grams and Gramps, Nanny and Poppy, Grandma and Grandpa, Granny and Grampy, or whatever term we decide our grandchildren will call us. With all of my other grandchildren, I've been pretty much the normal Nana. I send birthday and Christmas presents, wait for school pictures, feel proud when I get news of honor roll and winning sports teams, and show up for high school graduations, weddings, and other events I wouldn't miss for anything. I try not to be too invasive in my children's lives, and I try not to be too nosey in the way they raise their children, and I really try not to be critical, although I've been informed a time or two that I've stuck my nose in where it didn't belong and wasn't welcomed. Hey, I'm normal, give me a break, it wasn't as if I intended to hurt anyone's feelings or make anyone feel as if I was criticizing their parenting techniques. In all honesty, I really was trying to help. I've been there and done that and was only trying to save my child the heartache and heart break I know will come from raising their own children. 


Perhaps it is better my children are all in another state, where my presence doesn't upset or offend anyone. I can visit once or twice a year and continue with the presents and money, and otherwise stay out of their lives where I'm unwanted. Yes, it hurts my feelings. Yes, I feel as if I've been ganged up on since they all left at once. And not mentioning the fact that my youngest has moved back to town, but is apparently not speaking to me because I found out by accident that she is here, I will continue to move forward.


I try not to be self-centered. I try not to think that if I'm not involved in their lives something horrible will happen, and I am the only one who can prevent these things, or the only one who knows how to handle them. I raised kids on my own, and when you do that, you become over-involved, and you become dominant, and you think you should run everyone's lives. After all, when you've done it for so long, and they all turned out rather well, you must know what you're doing, right? Well, apparently not according to them.


So to my children, I apologize. I also promise to stay out of your lives, and I promise to quit butting in, and telling you how you should be doing things, or how I would do them differently. I have raised you to be the men and women you are, and I am proud of each one of you. Because of that I have to trust that you did listen to me at least a little bit while you were growing up and know how to raise your own kids and lead your own lives. I am also going to try and figure out how to live my life without you, which I haven't done since I was sixteen, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I have a pretty good husband who gets me through these moments when I feel like my only purpose in life was to be your mother and Nana to your children.


I know God has another plan for my life and if I will just quit crying over losing all of you, I will probably be able to hear what that is. So yes, I have discovered that feeling this loss is a form of self-centeredness. It is something I have to come to terms with, learn how to deal with, and move past. It is another stage of my life that I have to move past, because until I do, I won't be able to move into the new stage of my life that God has planned for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I'm looking forward to those plans and the future God has in store for me. I love you all very much, but my love for God comes first, before 
you, before me, before everything. And I'm looking forward to it.

Changes In My Future

As the saying goes, the one thing we can be certain of is change. It's probably one of the things I hate the most. Change is uncomfortable and it requires work on my part. Not just physical change, but the mentality that goes with the change. I have had quite  a few changes going on lately, just dropped into my lap like a bomb without notice, and I've had to adjust and accept. That isn't easy for me because I like things the way they are.

My daughter announced she and her husband were moving to California. This information was dropped on me without preamble yesterday. I woke up this morning to find them packing up their clothes and the kids getting ready to leave. "I thought you were leaving Thursday?" I said as I headed to the kitchen for coffee. "We were but Mike has to be there by eight Friday morning for a drug test." That was it, an hour later, amongst all the tears, and my 2-year-old granddaughter insisting her one-year-old brother was staying here, they were one their way to California. My day hasn't been very productive since their departure. After that, I sign in to my Face Book account to see my son, Michael, who lives in Missouri, has announced he and his family are leaving for California the end of the month. I suppose calling to let mama know would have been too much trouble. Later, my youngest son calls and says he may also be moving to California because he needs a better job and he's fed up with the one he has here.

So, these three kids of mine will all be in California, and all in different parts of California. It might seem like mom should move to California too but that would happen only over my husband's dead and rotting corpse. Having been born and raised in California, I left there for a reason and except for visits, haven't been back in nearly twenty years.

I do wonder about the timing of these moves and the connection they may have to God answering my prayers. I often tell people that you cannot remain where you are and go with God at the same time. God requires us to get up and move, to really reach out to others and to be a living, breathing, part of His plan. I have been praying about this very thing, about getting up and doing what God wants me to do. Perhaps with my children and grandchildren out of my house, I will now feel better about doing whatever it is God wants me to do. I realize I have created many excuses for staying home because Lisa was here, the babies were here, and they gave me the excuse to remain where I am.

So, whatever God has planned for my future, I am still praying but apparently have been freed up in order to move when God says, "Move!"