It's May 3rd All Over Again

Here in Oklahoma all you have to say is May 3rd and everyone knows what you're talking about. It was May 3, 1999 when an F5 tornado ripped through central Oklahoma killing 36 people and doing more than a billion dollars in damage. May 19, 2013 will be remembered along with that date from now on. Another F5 tornado ripped through central Oklahoma leveling Moore, OK and severely damaging Shawnee, OK.

 

 

You cannot imagine what looking at a tornado can make you feel. They are magnificent in one sense, such raw power sucking up everything in its path, as long as that path is on the open prairie and no homes or lives are in danger. They are also the most fearsome power on earth. I was born and raised in Humboldt County California, about 300 miles north of San Francisco and I've been throu9gh earthquakes. My youngest daughter and I were in San Francisco in the 1989 earthquake that brought down the bridges and leveled the Marina District. It was terrifying to say the least. But I've been through many dangerous earthquakes while living in California, but moving to Oklahoma in 1988, and then again in 1999 after being back in California for about eight more years, I will still take a tornado over an earthquake. At least we have warning systems for tornadoes, while earthquakes just hit without notice.

 

 





There are days remembered throughout history like Pearl Harbor, D Day, and the Twin Towers. Here in Oklahoma, we remember April 19, the day Timothy McVeigh changed lives in Oklahoma City, May 3, and now May 19. The one thing I can say about these types of disasters is that whether it's in California, New York City, or Oklahoma, we are Americans and we come together to help one another, to rebuild, to offer our money, our help, or our shoulder so that whatever is needed to get people back on their feet and through the nightmare life has thrown at us, we are there for one another. America is like that, and always has been since people first set on this land. We get knocked down, but we get up and go forward, and that is what makes us the greatest land in the world.

 

 

Thank you, God for this country and bless those who are working today to rebuild their lives and homes. Thank you for those who survived and bless those who lost loved ones, give them comfort of knowing You are with them and help them to move forward stronger than before. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Think About It...

Hebrews 12:1-3  “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

I have often wondered about these verses and this “great cloud of witnesses” who “surround us.” Who are they? What are they to us? What do they have to do with “the sin that so easily entangles us?” They can't save us from sin, only Jesus can do that, and we are told in these verses to “fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.” So why are they mentioned here?

My pastor in California once said, “When the Bible says 'therefore', pay attention and find out what it's there for!” So let's explore these verses a little bit and find out what it's there for.

“Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses...” 

In much of Paul's writings, he encouraged the congregations of the churches to remember those who came before them. He reminded them of the Israelite's who wandered the desert, forgetting how God delivered them from the Egyptians and moaned about their situation. They moaned about the manna that came from Heaven every morning, and they moaned about the meat the Lord gave them later. They moaned about everything, and while Moses was on the mountain with the Lord, they called for Aaron to make them a god, and gathered all their gold together for that purpose. They failed to keep their focus on the God who delivered them. They failed to keep their focus on the promised land, and most of them died before seeing it.

But if we go back to Hebrews and take a look at chapter eleven, which is generally termed “the faith chapter,” we find a list of names of people like Abraham, Abel, Enoch, Noah, Isaac, Jacob, Sarah, Moses' parents, Moses, Gideon, Barak, Samson, and the list goes on of those who persevered and obeyed God receiving the prize, which is a place in Heaven.

“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us...”  

The tale of Joseph and Potiphar's wife comes to mind when I read this part. Genesis 39:6-18 tells us that Joseph was a handsome man and Potiphar's wife came onto him, wanting him to go to bed with her, but Joseph was a godly man, and did what was right. When she put her hands on him, he ran, leaving her holding his cloak. Then, she told Potiphar that Joseph had attempted to rape her, and poor Joseph went to prison. Joseph had to physically throw off his cloak in order to run from a sinful situation. If he hadn't, he could have easily been entangled in sin. Joseph knew God personally, and refused to allow anything to come between them. He knew that no matter how things looked from a jail cell, God had a path marked out for him and Joseph persevered and followed God. Two years later, Joseph became the ruler of Egypt. A much different fate than what would have happened had he succumbed to Potiphar's wife's wiles!


“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...”

Really, there shouldn't be anymore to say than that. Jesus Christ, who gave up Heaven to be born of a virgin birth, to live the life of a Jewish man, to be ridiculed, arrested, beaten beyond recognition, and hung on a cross with a crown of thorns shoved into his head, until he died. 

And for what?

“For God so loved the world, He gave His only begotten Son, so that whosoever believes in Him, would not perish, but have everlasting life. God sent His Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through Him.” John 3:16-17

When life isn't going the way you think it should, or seems to get worse the more you pray, just pray some more. Keep your focus on the One who holds you in His hands. Christ is the author and perfecter of YOUR faith, so don't lose sight of what He is doing in your life. And remember all of those people who have already lived this life and gone on to Glory, and not just the ones mentioned in the Bible, but all the praying grandmothers, mothers, fathers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, and friends who prayed for you, and maybe they never saw your salvation before they went on to Heaven, like my own grand- mother, but nevertheless, they see your life now and know you are saved and are now running the race set before you. They are there, cheering you on so that, like Paul, you can run with purpose in every step. (1 Corinthians 9:26)

You Were Not Born That Way

In 1996, my late husband, Bear, and I were ordained after a year of 

being licensed, which was preceded by long, hard hours of studying and 

testing. During our year of licensing, we had to show our worth to be 

ordained. We traveled cross country preaching to bikers, hookers, drug 

dealers, in store-front churches, and anywhere else the Lord led. We 

pastored two churches, had Bible study at our home, worked with drug 

addicts, and held Christian 12-Step programs, as well as facilitating

Christian-based marriage classes. 


Although our lives suffered a setback that I am still trying to deal with 

and recover from, I know who holds my life in His hands, and He alone 

is the maker of Heaven and Earth. He alone decides how we are to live

and act. It is in Him that we have our being. He alone made Adam 

from the dust of the Earth, and blew His own breath into Adam's 

nostrils and gave him life. It is He who gives His Holy Spirit to us, to act

and work through us. It is the God of the Universe who sent His own

Son to suffer and die on the Cross, to shed His blood so that we might

know Him intimately and personally, and have Salvation rather than 

die, spending eternity in Hell, separated from God.


God loves us all. He proved that when Jesus died on the Cross. Love is

a verb, it's action, which is unlike this world that seems to think

love is a noun, a thing you say. But people don't know you love them

just because you say they do, they know it because of the things you 

do for them. I know my husband loves me because he works every day

to pay the bills and make sure I have all that I need and want. He

opens car doors for me, he opens all doors for me, and his greatest 

pleasure is when he can take me to a certain place I love to go for 

breves and scones. He works out of state three weeks and then he 

drives six hundred miles to be home for one week. He drives a truck for 

the oil rigs all over south Texas and Louisiana, so when he gets home, 

you would think he wouldn't want to do much of anything. Instead, he 

takes me to this place I love, and it's a two hundred mile round trip. 

Yes, he drives me two hundred miles so I can have a scone. That is the 

kind of love I'm talking about.


But as much as my husband loves me, he still can't save me from going 

to Hell anymore than i can save him from Hell. Only the blood of Jesus 

can do that, by confessing our sins to Him in prayer, and asking Him to 

be our Savior with sincerity. And then reading the Bible and obeying 

God so that we don't fall back into the sins of our past. It's so easy for 

the devil to tempt us with our past, to tell us that it's nonsense, and 

Jesus was just a man who can do nothing for us now. When our lives 

have setbacks, like losing a job, fighting with our spouse, being short 

on money no matter how much we work, the devil will use that to pull 

us back into our old mind set, our past, and the old sins we practiced 

for so many years.


The reason I say this is to set up what I'm about to say so you will be 

able to understand my mind set and how it may differ from yours. Not 

too long ago, Chick-Fil-A came under fire for their beliefs as Christians. 

They were going to set up a store in Boston, without mentioning their 

personal beliefs, but the mayor of Boston asked the owner how he felt 

about gays. As a Christian, he answered honestly. He believes it's a sin. 

And the ensuing battle began. 


There were so many nasty posts on FaceBook, Twitter, and many other

sites telling the man he was a "hater" and if he really was a Christian,

wasn't he supposed to love everyone, and didn't the Bible say not to

judge. All he actually had done was answer a question honestly. It was

the mayor of Beantown that caused the problem, and I didn't see 

anyone asking the mayor what difference the man's personal beliefs 

made, he just wanted to grow his business. I think it's the mayor who

was the hater, and instigator, and someone who needs to learn to love

his fellow man.


As Christians, we are commanded to love our fellow man, just as we

are commanded to call sin what it is, and point it out so that the 

person in sin can ask God's forgiveness so that person doesn't go to Hell. 

It is not being judgmental, or hatred, it's pure love for that person.

I hate to think of anyone going to Hell. None of us can fully understand

what Heaven will be like until we get there, nor can we fully under-

stand what Hell will be like but the Bible gives us a good idea of 

both.


Hell is firstly, a separation from God. Secondly, it will be a very lonely,

lonesome place full of horror and torment. It will be a burning lake of

fire and brimstone that lasts for eternity. There will be no second 

chance, no way out and no end. As bad as that sounds, when someone

dies without knowing the Lord Jesus, they don't go straight to Hell.

First, they go to stand before the throne of God. They actually get to

see Heaven and the glory of God before they go to Hell and are sepa-

rated from God.


I wouldn't wish that fate upon anyone. I pray every night for my

children, my grandchildren, my children's spouses, and their families

and mine that are known by blood, marriage, or divorce, and for the

friends they know now, and the ones they are going to meet. I want to

make sure I can cover as many people as possible in the prayer for

Salvation. And then I pray that someone who knows the Lord, or a lot

of someones, will come into contact with each of them and preach

Salvation to them so they will all come to know Jesus as their Savior. I

pray for the people I know and ones i haven't seen since I was a child,

or people I see in Walmart that stick in my mind. I don't want anyone

to go to Hell.



The first chapter in the book of Romans is dedicated to homosexuality

and other perverse behavior,and when the Chick-Fil-A debate was

going on, I often commented on people were saying against the fast 

food place. I have a few friends who are gay and they know my stand- 

ing on the subject. But, like all other sin, God will wipe your slate

clean and give you a brand new life, if only you ask Him.



In 1996, the church I attended in CA invited a man named Dennis

Jernigan to speak, and I was amazed at this man's testimony. He plays

piano and sings, and does both so well, there is no doubt he is blessed

by God. The amazing thing is he was a gay man, who had been

delivered by God. 

Being gay is a sin but like all sin, God can deliver all of us from those 

sins. It's only the lies of Satan that make us believe being gay is okay

with God, or "just the way they were born." 

Mr. Jernigan has been married to his wife for 30 yrs next year. I 

remember when he spoke at my church, he said the Lord told him he

was going to be the father of 9 children. He and his wife had 7, when 

his wife found out she was pregnant again. She told him she didn't care 

what God said, she was done having kids and that was going to be her 

last pregnancy. And it was because she had twins! God is always 

faithful.

If you would like to know more about this fellow Okie, go to the 

following link:


http://www.dennisjernigan.com/djtestimony

What The Bible Really Says

I'm getting really tired of people who spout off about God and the Bible, and have never read it, or have read only a few verses here and there, and aren't Christians. The Bible says what it means and means what it says, but to understand God's Word, you have to know God on a personal level. His word isn't like reading a text book or a novel; each word and each sentence has such meaning that those who don't know Him, will just skim over them and never understand their fullness. Everything about God's word brings life to those who know and love him, but it will bring death to those who ignore Him.


We live in the domain of the devil. God has given him that domain, and to each of us, he gave free will to resist the devil and live as God has said. God is a God of each nation, country and nationality but He will not allow those who replace Him with statues, animals, insects or anything else to go unpunished any more than He did when the children of Israel made the golden calf and worshiped it while Moses was on the mountain getting the Ten Commandments. We have the free will to either accept what God has offered us through the blood of Jesus Christ, or to reject Him and suffer the consequences. The Bible is there to help us, not to condemn us or to scare us. But it is our decision to accept or reject. The choice is yours.

John 14:28 There is a judge for the one who rejects me and does not
accept my words; that very word which I spoke will condemn him at the last day.


Jeremiah 23:29 "Is not my word like fire," declares the LORD, "and like
a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?


Psalm 10:4 In his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God


Psalm 14:1 The fool says in his heart, "There is no God." They are corrupt, their deeds are vile; there is no one who does good.


Isaiah 29:15 Woe to those who go to great depths to hide their plans from the LORD, who do their work in darkness and think, "Who sees us? Who will know?"

What's Wrong With TV?

I live out in the boonies and have satellite TV, and I have one of the moderate packages, which gives me about 250 channels. (Now, I won't go off on a tangent about that--at least not in this post!) I spend more time flipping around trying to find something decent to watch, than I do actually watching a show.

 I rarely, if ever, watch NBC, CBS, or ABC. Of the other channels I watch, there is rarely anything that doesn't have inappropriate language, and with the exception of only one or two shows, the rest all have sex, or references to sex, or scenes that suggest sex. And these are daytime and early evening hours, the hours that were once designated "family hours" and all the shows were supposed to be family friendly, and have nothing indecent. Apparently, that no longer applies.


Of every popular network station show on during "family hours," there are words like he**, dam*, and the sexual innuendo isn't even innuendo anymore. Showing couples in bed together talking about the sex they had the night before, friends talking to one another about the sex he or she they spent the night with, including homosexual encounters. Very few of these sexual situations are between married couples, and most of them aren't even between a "couple" who are exclusive to one another, but rather one night stands, and never is mention made of safe sex, or that the results of these casual encounters are pregnancy, which can lead to abortion, and/or sexually transmitted diseases, which, in the case of one night stands, can be passed on and on and on.


Then we get into the so-called "reality" shows. These are the ones I hate the most. Women who dress like prostitutes, with no morals, no self-respect, but are the ones young women are watching. Add to that the shows that glorify teenage pregnancy, and I did read an interview that quoted a 15 year old who wanted to get pregnant so she would get her own TV show and be famous. I've even watched some shows that are supposed to be for young people, and these are on the Disney Channel, no less. The episode I watched took place on a high school campus and showed two girls kissing each other, with the "message" that it's okay to be gay. I've even seen shows that feature young kids, ages nine and ten, who spoke about being gay and their friends laughing at them.


I'm not saying the shows saying 'gay is okay' is worse than the other shows, because they're not. They are all teaching immorality and our youth are the most impressionable. More and more kids are committing suicide, are taking guns to school, are getting arrested for violent crimes, having abortions, using drugs, and going to prison. What's wrong with this picture? The lack of morality in this country. The lack of parents disciplining their children. The lack of God in our schools and our government. And that "separation of church and state" everyone starts hollering about--read your history books. That was included to keep the government out of the church, NOT the church out of government. When God was removed from the classroom, the decline began in a big way. 


Romans 1:24-32

Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 


They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.


Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. 


In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.


Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. 


They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.


I put the text in red to bring it to your attention. Look at the list of things going on in Paul's day--sound familiar? We listen to the news and get mad at corporation presidents who are greedy and ripping off the public, we condemn child molesters and rapists, we watch TV shows that promote envy, we hear about murder and crimes and say the criminal gets what he deserves, people gossip about their friends and co-workers, they slander one another, they say God doesn't exist, and they make fun of those who believe in God; people brag about the new car, house, boat, etc. they just bought, they think they are better than others, and when I watch the true crime TV shows, there are crimes committed that I could have never thought up; children disobey their parents, and parents don't discipline them, or are afraid to because all kids know all they have to do is call CPS and report them; people are mean to one another, unfaithful to their spouses, they don't love one another, and have no mercy on anyone. 


And television reflects all of that. I won't watch movies with blatant sex, and I won't watch anything where the actors take the Lord's Name in vain. Why don't they use Buddha's name in vain, or Confucius', or Hitler's maybe, he was a horrible man? We all shout about our government, other countries, inflation, the cost of gas, the price of food, medical care we can't afford, plus a million other things that go on in today's society. Why keep yelling? It doesn't change a thing, but there is a way to change all of it.


If everyone would bow their heads right now and ask Jesus to forgive their sins, believing with their hearts, and begin to act according to God's laws, this world would turn around. We would do away with war, disease, and famine. There would be no need for prisons, bombs, or hospitals even. Poverty would flee. Illness would be a thing of the past. Deserts would become fertile ground for growing food. And the list goes on and on.

If you would like this movement to start in your home, here is the first step:


"Lord, I know I am a sinner and haven't been living the way you want me to. I believe that Jesus is the Christ, who came to earth through a virgin, died on the cross, was buried and rose on the third day, and is coming back one day.


I ask that Jesus live in my heart, and cleanse me of my sins. Let me be an example for my family and friends, so that they will know there is only one God, and one way to Heaven.


I confess with my mouth that Jesus is my Savior and Lord of my life. I thank you and praise you.


In Jesus' holy name. Amen."


If you said that prayer with a sincere heart, your name has been written in God's Book of Life and when you die, you will go to Heaven. Or if the Lord returns before your death, you will be caught up with all of His people. Now, get a Bible and read the book of John in the New Testament. Find a Bible believing church like the Assembly of God, or Pentecostal Church, these two church entities are everywhere, and it's likely you will find one or both close to your house. Visit each one and decide which one you fit in with the best, and attend every week.


Share your salvation with everyone you know, and don't worry about it if they scoff at you, or think you're going through a phase, it happens to all of us. Just stay faithful in reading the Bible and going to church. The more you go, the more you learn, and the more you grow in the Lord. 


God bless you and keep you!

What We Dislike In Ourselves...

Have you ever heard the saying, "What we dislike in others is usually what we dislike in ourselves?" It is a true saying and I've often noticed that people who tell me that so and so is such a (?), it sounds as if they are talking about themselves! Not that I'm above such things, but I do try to be self-aware and recognize that if someone is doing something that makes me not care for their presence, perhaps I need to do a little soul searching and see if there is something in me that needs to change.

I've also learned more recently that some of my old behaviors that I've diligently tried to erase, have come to the surface and it has made me feel quite small and guilty. I've been trying to deal, without much success, with the feelings of loss and anger over my daughter and her family suddenly moving to California, followed by my youngest son's move to a different part of California, and then my older son moving his family to yet another part of California. And my youngest daughter and her family moved to Texas. I have felt so alone and lonely since their departures, but especially with my older daughter's move because she and her family have lived with us over the past year and a half, and I am so attached to her children, and especially her son, who just turned a year old on May 11.

As time went by, I thought I would adjust and get over the crying binges, the anger at feeling as if they betrayed me, and the feelings of overwhelming loss of those grandbabies. Instead of prayer helping, it seemed as if every time I prayed, I only felt the loss that much more keenly. I tried keeping up with my Bible reading but the words just seemed to have no meaning. As the days and weeks passed, I became more depressed, more crying binges that lasted longer and longer, and I couldn't even have a conversation with my daughter without feeling as if I had to tell her exactly how much she had hurt me, which only angered her, and then we didn't talk at all. The more time that went without talking, the more I felt as if she and her husband didn't care at all that I was hurt and missing them and the babies. They never once said, "Mom, as soon as we have our own place, we'll make sure there's a bedroom for you and you can visit and stay as long as you like." Which they had done when their daughter was born. I went out to California when she was born, they had a room for me and said I could stay as long as I wished. Since they were staying with relatives, I didn't even think that they were mainly worried about just getting caught up on their bills, and finding their own place, and would, I'm sure, invite me to visit indefinitely once that was accomplished.

If you've read my past posts, you know I have been a mother since age sixteen, and have always had a houseful of kids and grandkids until just the past few weeks. And with my husband, Nathan, working in another state, I have been here alone except for my doggies. Although they are a great comfort, they aren't much for conversation. If you know anything about me, which would mean you've read Dancing With Bear: A Love Story, you know that the past thirteen years of my life has been tumultuous to say the least, and more than any one person should have to deal with in an entire lifetime, let alone such a short period of time. But through it all, I have tried to take it all with grace and knowledge that the Lord is in control and my life is His to do with as He pleases. However, over the past few weeks, I have been so much less than grace-full, and have been downright mean on several occasions. I've said the most awful things to Lisa, just to underscore the depth of the pain I feel.

I am writing about this now because I did call her and apologize, because she didn't deserve such an attitude from her own mother, but also because I know she is probably feeling a little lost herself right now. But the main reason I am making my deplorable actions public is because I know how God works, and I know how the enemy works. My actions have kept me from doing God's will, and that is what happens every time the enemy is allowed to horn in on our lives, no matter where we are or what we are doing.

"Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

It is so easy for us to take our eyes off the Cross of our salvation, the way Peter took his eyes off Jesus while he was walking on water from the boat. (Matthew 14:28-30) We are often like Peter, full of faith one moment, and faith-less the next. We forget who the author and finisher of our faith is, we take our eyes off of Jesus, and look instead at our circumstances and see the worst. Instead of saying, "Jesus, look at our circumstances," we should be saying, "Circumstances, look at our Jesus!"

No matter how long we have been saved, or how long we've been in ministry, there comes times when we are bombarded by negative circumstances, people, and attitudes. We might not handle these situations with the grace we would like to, but the bottom line is, which side we come out of them on. Do we come out with the realization that we were wrong, and need to apologize to the person, or people, we've offended? Do we repent and ask the Lord's forgiveness and trust that He allowed the situation in order for us to learn and grow? Or do we give up and walk away, playing into the enemy's hands?

Keep praying, keep reading the Bible, keep your eyes on the prize, which is our salvation that leads to Heaven.

The Love of My Children & Myself

Over the past few weeks I have experienced an all time low, and I've been extremely depressed. My daughter, her husband, and their two children, who we have shared a home with for the past year and a half, moved to California. My granddaughter is two and a half, and my grandson turned a year old on May 11, 2012. I have lived with these two their entire lives, and I was in California with my daughter when her daughter was born. Their son was born out here and I was there then too. My grandson and I share such a close bond, I feel as if my daughter took my own child from me. And I know my grandson knew something was not right, since just before they drove away, I held him, bawling my eyes out, and he didn't squirm or move, he just laid his head on my shoulder and waited. I love that boy so much, and these weeks without him have been killing me. I cry at the thought of him, and his picture is my screensaver, so I see his cute little face every time I boot my pc or shut it down.

I don't know how to not miss him and his sister, or my daughter and her husband, who is like a son to me as well. Shortly after they moved, my youngest son also moved to California, although a different part, where his wife has been living. A week or so before that, my youngest daughter and her family moved to Texas. So I am all out of grandchildren who live nearby. And now my son, who lives in Missouri, and his family, are moving to yet another part of California. 


I have not felt like doing much lately, and really haven't done much at all. My husband also works out of state, so I have literally been home alone for several weeks. Thank goodness for my doggies, who I know will never leave me. They have been my only comfort.


This past week though, I have been watching my usual shows on TBN and the Church Channel, and one of the shows I never miss is Andrew Wommack. He has been teaching on self-centerdness (Is that a word? Oh, well), and while I have always considered myself as not being self-centered, since I've been a mother since age sixteen, and I've always had a houseful of kids to take care of, and then grandkids, and dogs, and I became a pastor and evangelist, and a drug and alcohol counselor, there have always been others to think of before myself. But as I listened to this teaching each day, I came to realize that even I am guilty of being self-centered. 


There are several other verses on this subject, but the following two are my favorites.  


"Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.  For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." Matthew 16:24-25


"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20


Yet, if I believe these, and I do, then why am I suddenly doubting my sacrifice of self for the heavenly cause? Is it simply a guilty conscience due to a preacher's impassioned words, or conviction of the Holy Spirit? I had to think on these things and consider the past several weeks since my daughter and her family moved away. Of course we expect our children to grow up and move out on their own. And with my older daughter, that has happened, but she usually came home time and again after her bits of time away from home. Even after she moved away to California to be with the man she is now married to, they did move in with us when their daughter was about six or eight months old, and have been here every since. My youngest daughter never moved out for more than a few weeks at a time. Even after she married, she lived at home, while her husband lived with his mother, for about the first six months of their marriage.


Even though we expect our children to move out on their own at some point, whether to go to college, or due to marriage, or perhaps they go to work straight out of high school, as parents, we know they will move out. We also wait for those weekend visits home, and we wait for the announcements of impending parenthood from them, and then we wait for them to bring those little bundles of joy home to visit Nana and Papa, Grams and Gramps, Nanny and Poppy, Grandma and Grandpa, Granny and Grampy, or whatever term we decide our grandchildren will call us. With all of my other grandchildren, I've been pretty much the normal Nana. I send birthday and Christmas presents, wait for school pictures, feel proud when I get news of honor roll and winning sports teams, and show up for high school graduations, weddings, and other events I wouldn't miss for anything. I try not to be too invasive in my children's lives, and I try not to be too nosey in the way they raise their children, and I really try not to be critical, although I've been informed a time or two that I've stuck my nose in where it didn't belong and wasn't welcomed. Hey, I'm normal, give me a break, it wasn't as if I intended to hurt anyone's feelings or make anyone feel as if I was criticizing their parenting techniques. In all honesty, I really was trying to help. I've been there and done that and was only trying to save my child the heartache and heart break I know will come from raising their own children. 


Perhaps it is better my children are all in another state, where my presence doesn't upset or offend anyone. I can visit once or twice a year and continue with the presents and money, and otherwise stay out of their lives where I'm unwanted. Yes, it hurts my feelings. Yes, I feel as if I've been ganged up on since they all left at once. And not mentioning the fact that my youngest has moved back to town, but is apparently not speaking to me because I found out by accident that she is here, I will continue to move forward.


I try not to be self-centered. I try not to think that if I'm not involved in their lives something horrible will happen, and I am the only one who can prevent these things, or the only one who knows how to handle them. I raised kids on my own, and when you do that, you become over-involved, and you become dominant, and you think you should run everyone's lives. After all, when you've done it for so long, and they all turned out rather well, you must know what you're doing, right? Well, apparently not according to them.


So to my children, I apologize. I also promise to stay out of your lives, and I promise to quit butting in, and telling you how you should be doing things, or how I would do them differently. I have raised you to be the men and women you are, and I am proud of each one of you. Because of that I have to trust that you did listen to me at least a little bit while you were growing up and know how to raise your own kids and lead your own lives. I am also going to try and figure out how to live my life without you, which I haven't done since I was sixteen, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I have a pretty good husband who gets me through these moments when I feel like my only purpose in life was to be your mother and Nana to your children.


I know God has another plan for my life and if I will just quit crying over losing all of you, I will probably be able to hear what that is. So yes, I have discovered that feeling this loss is a form of self-centeredness. It is something I have to come to terms with, learn how to deal with, and move past. It is another stage of my life that I have to move past, because until I do, I won't be able to move into the new stage of my life that God has planned for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I'm looking forward to those plans and the future God has in store for me. I love you all very much, but my love for God comes first, before 
you, before me, before everything. And I'm looking forward to it.