Crash & Burn

“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,  that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.”

~Philippians 3:7-11

Yesterday came down crashing and burning. I failed totally and I’m disappointed in myself and my conduct. Not so much because I feel I was in the wrong but because I have higher expectations of myself when faced with difficult situations. I expect to rise above. I expect to take the high road. I expect to be a better person and treat others better than they treat me. I expect to be able to keep my mouth shut and bridle my tongue. I expect to be able to live and let live no matter what happens or how I actually feel in any given situation. I expect to have much thicker skin. I expect to handle life like water off a duck’s back. I don’t always succeed.

Part of the problem was that I have been busting my hump to show myself approved in this new town, new church, new people, new everything where I haven’t felt at home since I got here a year ago. I want people to like me but I’m an outsider here and no matter what I’ve done to be included and make friends, it hasn’t happened that way. Hitting the one-year mark and seeing that I’m a complete failure hit me hard. Yes, my expectations are pretty high but only for myself. I don’t expect so much out of others because life has shown me that it won’t happen. People will do the stupid, selfish, self-serving thing every time—including me. So, I didn’t sleep much last night. I kept rehashing everything over again and again and again…

Today, I’ve realized that I spent the past year trying to please man instead of working to please God. While I thought I was doing what God wanted, I came to realize, I was trying to impress people. I was trying to make people like me by doing as much as I could and by showing everyone how diligent I am in every aspect of my life. When it came to it, I was really trying to impress just one man, actually, and I failed.

“Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ (Colossians 3:22-24).”

Sometimes, we can get so caught up in what others think of us that we forget that we are here to serve Christ in all things, no matter what others think of us. So today is a new day, and I begin again. Today, I go forward in Christ, and put behind me my failings and take a new step toward Heaven. I’ll analyze myself to death of course, and I’ll rehash each word until I have turned it into mush but that’s just me. In the end, no matter what we say or do, there is only one Judge that we must make sure we are right before, and that is Jesus Christ.

“Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need (Hebrews 4:14-16).”

Read Nehemiah 4-6

©2018 Marie McGaha