Through The Pain of Suicide

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

~Jeremiah 17:7-8

When someone commits suicide, it leaves family and friends dumbfounded. Not only do we feel the grief of a death, but the questions that follow can make life unbearable. The greatest question is usually, “why didn’t I see this coming?” We feel as if we should have known, should have been able to see it, should have been able to do something to stop it, in short, we feel guilt and responsibility for a death caused by suicide. On top of that, we fear the worst has happened, our loved one has not only killed themselves, they’ve committed their souls to hell. How do we come to terms with a death by suicide? How do we go on living with the knowledge that our loved one didn’t feel they could come to us with their problems and felt as if death was a better option? How do we continue in our faith when we are led to believe that suicide is an automatic ticket to hell? How do we believe in God after suicide?

To be sure, I don’t have all the answers but having dealt with my daughter’s suicide, I have experienced the emotions, fears, and questions that go with it. First, I can say that all my questions have not been answered, even though it’s been nearly 27 years. I still don’t have the answers to why—why didn’t she come to me? Why didn’t she go to her older siblings? Why did she think death was a better option than living? In the early days following her death, those questions almost drove me out of my mind. Since then, I’ve concluded that she probably couldn’t tell me why either. There is a certain state of mind that goes with suicide that those who have not been there really can’t understand. I also had a nephew who committed suicide, and as a counselor, I have sat across from others who had a family member or close friend who committed suicide, and while the questions survivors have remained the same, I still don’t have the right answers.

“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved (Ephesians 2:1-5).”

Many people may disagree with the following, but it took me many years to come to this conclusion, it wasn’t made from grief or a way to deal with my own loss. It comes from years of being a counselor, dealing with others who have lost loved ones to suicide, and from lots and lots of prayer. I was raised to believe that suicide was a ticket straight to hell, that it broke the sixth commandment “Do not commit murder,” and suicide is self-murder. I do believe if a person dies without knowing Christ as their Savior, they go to hell, whether or not they commit suicide, but those who are saved by grace and commit suicide do not go to hell. Hebrews 11:32 includes Samson as one of the heroes of faith, yet Samson caused his own death, as well as that of about 3,000 Philistines (Judges 16). I believe that our confession of faith in Christ and accepting Him as our Savior, covers our sins completely.

There is a certain mindset when it comes to suicide. I don’t believe anyone who commits suicide does so without depression being part of that mindset. Depression takes away our ability to see our situation in life rationally. While I certainly hope those who suffer with depression will talk to someone, see a counselor, or a medical doctor to see if medication will help, I do not believe a Christian who commits suicide is automatically condemned to hell.

“Then when Judas, His betrayer, saw that Jesus was condemned, he changed his mind and brought back the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders, saying, “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.” They said, “What is that to us? See to it yourself.” And throwing down the pieces of silver into the temple, he departed, and he went and hanged himself (Matthew 27:3-5).” 

Most people I know think Judas Iscariot went to hell - I don’t. When we accept Christ as our Savior, we must first repent for our sins, which means to turn from them and turn to Christ. While Judas Iscariot did indeed betray Christ, it was something that had to happen, and my question was always, if Christ knew Judas would betray Him, and it was necessary to further salvation for us all, why would Judas be condemned to hell when he hanged himself? Judas regretted his decision to betray Christ, he repented when he took the money back to the priests, but he also felt so much guilt over what he had done, he killed himself. I’m also sure he was depressed and not thinking right.

If you have lost a loved one to suicide, I am so sorry and I share in your grief. Please know that you are not at fault, you did nothing wrong, and you could not have changed anything. I pray that you will seek counseling if you are not able to walk through your grief in a reasonable amount of time. By that, I mean if a year later, you are still unable to function, you may need medical intervention. While there is no time limit on grief, it should not become debilitating, know the signs and get help. If you are contemplating suicide, please get help. There is an answer and there is a brighter life for you on the other side of your problems. Suicide is never the right answer, no matter how bleak life seems.

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in Heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of His glory He may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:14-19).”

Read Ezekiel 46-47 & Daniel 1-5

© 2018 Marie McGaha